A Weight-y Topic

Okay, I'm back.  Back a bit, maybe... we'll see.  Here's why: my very loving mother and sister have, for some time now, complained   commented noted that, on Facebook, I am a bit of a downer.  They don't like that so much.  Because they love me, they worry that Facebook will present a negative image of me to the world, if I'm so grim, gloomy, and grouchy.  I love both of them dearly, and I do see what they mean... but I have do wonder: should I care as much as I do?

It's the fate of the pessimist.  Optimists, seeing the positive side of most everything, wind up with many psychological and sociological perks to their outlook:  they live longer, are healthier, have stronger social ties, are (duh!) less depressed.  Pessimists get none of that, but we do get one thing:  We are right most of the time.  Our outlooks on life are far more accurate than optimists, and we see things as they truly are.

I'm not saying that I want to be a pessimist.  Honestly, I verbally try in most non-family areas of my life to project optimism.  But being what you aren't really set up to be can be... tiring.  So my family, I'm sad to say, gets the backlash.  They see me at  my worst.  I wish I could be the perky person most of the time (I'm not so blind as to think I could manage it all the time); I do feel more cheerful, more vibrant when I am.  BUT - just because you're trying to BE an optimist doesn't mean you stop being a pessimist.  It just takes one snarky comment to send me into a spiral, because the realist is always there, beneath the surface, and she's a pretty snarky and paranoid creature, too - deeply resentful of always being shoved down.  And it takes a lot of weight to hold her down, let me tell you.

And there, I made a leap into what I really wanted to talk about:  Weight.  The other day, I posted a personal experience with a weight loss tool on Facebook - and my dear, sweet, optimistic, and (it must be said) svelte, healthy, and gorgeous kid sister responded by gently prompting me to adopt a more positive attitude.

I re-read the post.  Yeah, I was pretty much a downer.  Here's what happened.

Like many of my online friends, I struggle with my weight.  (In the real world, I am surrounded by people who are weight-normal, or committed to much healthier lifestyles than my own.)  Visualization can be a powerful tool in the battle, so when I found this "Weight Loss Simulator," I thought HEY!  Let's give it a go.  My current goal is to drop 25 pounds before heading to Disney this August, and eventually get to the -50 mark.  Let's see what it looks like!

So I plugged in the first stage goal, and came away rather nonplussed.  25 is a major amount of weight to lose - and it's not easy to do, as anyone who's ever tried it knows!  To see that the physical differences (at least in 2D) are relatively minor just didn't have the motivational "punch" I'd hoped it would.  So I plugged in -50, and yes, at THAT point, the results were much more readily visible.

Now, I know that I would FEEL the effect of even a relatively low milestone loss long before I saw the payoff.  Even -10 will yield physical benefits that are tangible.  But it's tough looking at the graphics and going, "I've got THAT far to go before I see results? Really?"  When I plugged in the weight my BMI says I should be, I did nearly fling up my hands - yes, I would look absolutely AWESOME.  I'd look like my two beautiful sisters.  But having fought the fight for years, I couldn't help but get grouchy and gloomy.

It's one thing to climb Mount Everest because you truly want to, are driven to, and desperately want to.  You see the peak as a challenge, as a noble goal.  If you're trying to climb that same mountain because you know it's good for you, because it will eventually make you feel better, because society will look at you differently if you do - it's not going to be the same climb.  People who struggle with weight loss or with quitting a powerfully positive-reinforcing addiction like cigarettes or alcohol have a very hard time adopting that "I desperately want it" attitude necessary to tackling the mountain... sometimes, it takes a truly horrible crisis - a hospital stay, an accident - to wake us up.  I am REALLY trying to wake up before that... but it's hard.

Weight is insidious.  Alcoholics can avoid drinking, if they are able to find friends and family sympathetic to their cause.  They can avoid bars, ask for "dry" family gatherings.  Nicotine addicts are finding that society frowns more and more on them, and fewer and fewer people are indulging in smoking - making it harder to be with like minded folks, or to get much sympathy from the people around you.  All three issues are caused by the fact that eating, drinking alcohol, and smoking do something GOOD for the addict - they relieve stress, they provide some happiness in an otherwise grim world, they make you feel GOOD for the moment.

But eating can't be avoided.  Eating is life.  Eating is culture, society, family.  And it takes an immense force of will to change your eating habits - especially if it's one of the few unabated pleasures in your life.  Try sitting down at a family celebration and trying to make one tiny strip of teryaki steak outlast a huge salad (which you may not have much taste for) or veggies not basted in butter or sauce.  Try to not have the whole slice of birthday cake someone passes you.  And try not to be angry and resentful as everyone else at the table eats as much as they want... or try to "help" by reminding you not to eat so much, with varying levels of tact.  And the thing is... you cannot avoid food.

What's more, healthy food is EXPENSIVE.  And... it doesn't always taste so good.  Not to someone used to processed, sugary, salty bliss.  I have yet to really, truly enjoy sitting down to a salad, to a fruit or vegetable.  I've found some I like - but do they equal out to the steak or pizza that I really, truly want?  Not in a heartbeat.

I know I need to lose weight.  I don't like how I look.  I don't like how I feel.  But I also don't like how I feel trying NOT to eat like I always do.  I don't like remembering that I've done this before - tried to change my behavior, my eating habits - and have always failed, fallen off the wagon, wound up heavier and less healthy than before.  I've gone to the bariatric surgery info sessions and been scared witless  -I don't even like getting a SHOT, and the thought of having surgery that will make me feel ill and force me to eat a certain way forever or risk being very, very sick makes me quail.

And so, on Facebook, I grouse sometimes.  Can you blame me?  Maybe.  But it's hard losing weight.  And it's harder losing weight in silence - or trying desperately to find a real-world person who "gets it" and won't take offense to my mood swings.  Weight creates a barrier around you - people look at you with pity or disgust, people think certain things about you, people judge you.  Online, nobody can see the rest of me beyond my profile picture.  And now... my more optimistic family wants me to try to carry over my cheerful mask into the virtual world, working to be more positive and grateful for what I have.  I wish I could oblige them - I really, truly do.  Like losing over a hundred pounds of weight, I know it would be in my best interests.  I'd feel better if I did.

But I can only manage things one step at a time, folks.  And I'm not as strong as you seem to think I am.

On Hiatus

I've decided that my open-journal style of blogging needs some reconsidering; since I haven't been able to make many posts of late, and since my topics tend to meander a bit, I'd like to focus on my COMIC BOOK MAMA blog instead... a blog which, hopefully, will actually attract a readership outside of my own friends and family!  Someone along the line once told me, "Find one thing you do well and do it well" - so I'm going to try to live up to that.  I'd rather write one quality blog than several mediocre offerings.  Besides, I've taken out a Penzu.com account for my journal time - it feels more like my old notebooks did, and that's comforting.

Additionally, in my life outside of writing, I'm a teacher - and in the past few months, there's been a great deal of talk around the staff room about how "freedom of speech" really doesn't apply to teachers, who are expected to be "on duty" 24/7 and never hint that in their private lives they may hold ideas or conduct themselves in a way that might portray The Profession in a negative light.  While I don't really see this as a hindrance to myself, being that I'm not much of one to walk on the wild side, I hold firmly with the credo of "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean They aren't out to get you."  I'd hate to discover too late that something I found perfectly innocuous became grounds for a reprimand - or dismissal.  It's not because I'm that much in love with being a teacher - what with all the politics, exorbitant demands, and unrealistic expectations, I find myself feeling downright despondent at times - but because my family needs health insurance and you just can't support yourself writing. 

At any rate, I'm not pulling this page entirely... I'm rather fond of it... but it's definitely going on hiatus until I can find a way to morph it into something a bit more useful.  Thanks for reading!

A Post of 5's

WHAT I'M DOING: Trying to find some balance between school work, housework, and creative work.  Failing, but trying.

WHAT I'M READING:  Just finished NEW AVENGERS: BREAKOUT by Alissa Kwirty, as well as two youth biographies - one of CS Lewis, one of JRR Tolkien.  On the shelf - STAR WOLF by Kathryn Lasky, a kids' animal fantasy.

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO:  THE AVENGERS AND PHILOSOPHY: EARTH'S MIGHTIEST THINKERS by Mark White (editor).  Never took a philosophy course in college - more's the pity - but that's not getting in the way of understanding the essays.

WHAT I'M WONDERING:  How, exactly, does one break into voice work?

WHAT I'M WATCHING:  Not much at the moment, but waiting for the S.H.I.E.L.D. program to come out; it might make good family viewing.

Blog in Haiku

no time to write now -

real life's insistent demands

swallow my daydreams.

Spoilers, In Review

Okay, I was totally off.  Phew!

Of Spoilery and Solicitations

I couldn't resist - this little gem was too good to pass up reposting, and it gave me a talking point as well.

Credit where credit is due - this strip came from Newsarama.com's Jill Pantozzi, profiling the webcomics of Ginger Haze.  For me, aside from the Avengers giggles (I didn't follow the movie spoilers, however, as I wasn't a fan back then) - it perfectly encapsulates the agony of being a fangirl who is addicted to spoilers.  And so, this post. 

I can't help it.  I'm the sort that flips to the end of the book before I get too far in; I need to be sure the characters I like are still alive before I've invested myself in the plot.  I was one of many X Files fans who eagerly awaited the postings from fans with satellite feed, just so I could see if there was any Mulder/Scully 'shippiness in the upcoming episode.  These days, I peruse the monthly solicitations from comics publishers with attention most people with graduate degrees reserve for academic research or fantasy football strategizing, trying to tease out plot hints.

And I swear those guys are messing with me.

Somewhere, in the paranoid corners of my brain, I am absolutely certain that some intern at IDW - the one responsible for writing the solicitations - is rubbing his hands together and going, "Yessss... let's see how much of a lather we can get that East coast comic book mama worked up into THIS time... we tried being deliberately deceptive last month; how about throwing in a grain of actual truth riiiiight... HERE!"  Insert maniacal giggle here, if you please.  Yes, they are probably still gloating over their cleverness in implying that Scarlett and Helix would be in a bloody battle back in August when all that happened was a drooling fanboy's dream - two workout clad hardbodies getting hosed down pre-catfight.  And yes, I'm guessing that various solicitations writers have contests among themselves to see exactly how convoluted their sentence structure can get in the attempt to say nothing while implying something; I'm nurturing the theory that comic book solicitations are the training ground for government lawyers and political speech writers, though I'm not sure which group that insults more.  Besides, comic books are far more grounded in reality than politics ever could be.

BUT... I maintain that, despite all attempts to hornswaggle, bamboozle, and otherwise engage in various layers of deciptifying, the truly desperate fan CAN, in fact, figure out something by reading solicitations.  To whit... I demonstrate with Avengers Assemble (largely because I've given up trying to guess what the heck Chuck Dixon will do next with G.I. Joe; it stopped making sense ages ago).

Avengers Assemble #8, October 2012
• The explosive conclusion to the Avengers’ cosmic odyssey!
• Will the Avengers and the Guardians of the Galaxy be able to stop Thanos from his quest to make Earth the throne world of his new empire?
• The explosive fallout of the storyline will change one of the Avengers’ lives forever as a brand-new Marvel initiative spins out of this bombastic series.

Avengers Assemble #9, November 2012
ALL-NEW CREATIVE TEAM WITH ALL-NEW OUTSIZED ADVENTURES!
• Kelly Sue Deconnick (CAPTAIN MARVEL) and Stefano Caselli (AMAZING SPIDER-MAN) team up to tackle the titanic tales YOU DEMANDED! And in continuity to boot?!
• Two scientists. Two giant egos. One wears a tank. One is a tank. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner are SCIENCE BROS!
• When a fellow bigbrain goes missing, wanna bet who can find him first? It’s Amazing Race, Avengers-style, as Iron Man and Hulk form their teams and embark on a global manhunt with the ultimate prize at stake…bragging rights!

Avengers Assemble #10, December 2012
• Did you know that there’s a theory that the bacteria in our bodies actually controls our moods and may even be responsible for elements of our personalities? TONY STARK and BRUCE BANNER did.
• What happens when a 20 million-year-old evolutionary catalyst infects a HULK? Could it be a cure?
• Meanwhile, on the outside, CAPTAINS MARVEL AND AMERICA must find the missing scientist before he unleashes said bacteria on the world.

Now, first off, note the covers.   Spider Woman hasn't been a part of the AA team since the very first issue, where she was a look-closely cameo.  All of a sudden - she's drawing cover time.  Hmm.

Next, check out the October solicitation - the wrapping arc of the Thanos plotline.  "The explosive fallout of the storyline will change one of the Avengers’ lives forever..."  Okay... so.  Count the heroes on the covers.  We've got three Hulk, two Iron Man, a Thor and a Captain America.  Notably absent - Hawkeye and Black Widow.  So... can these be connected?  Sure.

In the main continuity of the Avengers titles, Hawkeye is involved with Spider Woman.  I don't see the appeal.  She's a non-character, as far as I'm concerned... but then, I don't like spiders, and I think Hawkeye belongs with Black Widow - so I'm prejudiced and one of those oh-so-wretched souls who started reading and enjoying the Avengers only AFTER seeing the movie to boot.  

BUT - and here's the lead - we've got one snippet showing Marvel trying to appease their muchly-offended fan base, who have been whinging and moaning about how Avengers Assemble is sooooooo lame (I've trolled on their message boards.  Forty year old men whining like a bunch of pimply teenagers... sheesh.)  The new stories, according to the solicits, will be in continuity.  Don't get me started on exactly what THAT means... feh.  To the core readership, however, it means, "Listen, we're really sorry that we mucked up your ideas of what our superheroes should be like by making a movie and by releasing this comic to try to draw in new readers in a way that makes sense to them - so now we'll try to fix things as best we can, okay?"

At any rate, we've got the sudden departure from cover and solicitations of the movie couple - Black Widow and Hawkeye - and the sudden appearance of Spider Woman.  We've got "one life changed forever."  Being brutally unfair, I'll pull actual text detail in here - Hawkeye's been a bit twitchy about his mortality circa issue 1, and recently on a galactic mission has been saying how he HATES being in space.  That, combined with these solicits, gives us...

Hawkeye is outta here.  

Somehow.  Zapped into another dimension, put into a coma, vanished somehow - not dead, no way; he's still gadding about in his own title with Ms. Hawkeye Kate Bishop and in Secret Avengers, too - but definitely out of the Avengers Assemble picture for a while.  So in comes his lady love, Miss Cobwebs, to find out what happened to her man.  And Black Widow takes a hiatus, likely as not, for three or four months... retired to the other comics pastures where she's as active as ever.  

In the meantime, the writers get to experiment with the other dynamics spawned by the movie - whether the Science Twins can replicate on paper the charisma of live action, and give a bit of development to what has been, thus far, a title somewhat lacking in character depth.  THAT part I'm looking forward to.  I want to get into the heads of our heroes, see what makes them tick, see the relationships and friendships as they grow and shift and develop.  Friendly rivalry between two alpha geeks?  I'm in.  Potential development for the Hulk character?  Awesome.  And I'm good on bio-terrorist plot arcs any day.  It's never let me down so far.  Except for that zombie virus bit in Cobra Civil War - sigh.

So yes, you can actually glean something from solicitations... and when all this turns out to be entirely misleading and the plot goes somewhere else entirely, well, that just means I'll be qualified to apply for a job writing solicitations, now, won't I?

Who Needs Superheroes?

I found this in a notebook I was going to toss... I don't remember writing it, but I liked it enough to post it here.  I'm not even sure WHEN this was written.  Sometime in the past five years, definitely.  As Yul Brynner might say, in character, "Is a puzzlement."

Who needs superheroes?

I do.

I think we all do.

It's hardwired into us - this visceral need, this craving for the heroic. For something tangible that represents the hope, the belief, that good is stronger than evil.  For a voice that tells us that fighting for truth is right and noble.  For a presence that affirms that the world we live in, though flawed and darkly clouded, is worth saving.

A need for heroes is something that speaks to the part of all of us, hushed since childhood, that wants to howl and rage against the things that should not be.  Children know this, know the truth, that even though life isn't fair... that it should be.  We adults have shirked our duty, taken the easy path, let them down.  We tell them, "Life isn't fair.  Nobody ever said it would be."  We wait for them to grow up and, betrayed by those who should protect and defend them, turn into sneering, cynical, blase teens who rightfully rebel against those who were once their heroes.  We call it maturing... but what it is is the first of many small deaths of the soul.   No wonder our world is full of alcoholics, drug addicts, petty criminals, and security fund brokers.  If life isn't fair, why make the effort?

Life isn't fair?  What does that even mean?  That good things happen to bad people?  Yes, because we allow it.   We say we can't change it.  That it's bigger than we are.  That we have to live with corruption, cronyism, partisanship, deceptions large and small.  We have allowed the corrupt and amoral to gain so much power for so long that it is no wonder our lights are snuffed out before they have a chance to burn with righteous indignation. 

Or does "life isn't fair" mean that bad things happen to good people?  That people die before we're ready to let them go?  That homes are destroyed, families are broken, lives lost by disasters both natural and man-made?  As I child I wept for the loss of a beloved pet.  Not fair?  No - "fair" has nothing to do with the natural cycles of life.  It is neither fair nor unfair.  It simply is.  But the senseless death of a colleague's husband and young daughter, killed by a drunk driver as they were on their way to the little one's dance class - that is unfair.  It should not be. 

It is unfair when innocents die and the guilty live.  Unfair that our society condones the use of alcohol, even drugs, by the individual - claiming that so long as "no harm is done" to the majority, our justice system can penalize the minority who do harm.  But does a jail term compensate a grieving mother and sister for their loss?  Not by a long shot.  Is it fair?  No - and there is no shame in crying out against unfairness.  No shame in asking why - why bad things that did not have to happen do.

The answer to that "why" is the hero's call to action... not a call to answer, but a call to act.  And if we do not have superheroes, if they cannot walk or fly among us, we turn to those who have the courage, the heart, to question the bland assertion of "Life isn't fair."  We look to them as children look to cartoon supermen.  We root for them, cheer them on.

We need heroes.  We need superheroes, but in their absence, everyday heroes will have to do.

I see our young men and women in uniform fighting and dying in wars they did not begin - torn and battered, but still fierce in their proud warrior spirits that they will continue to struggle against tyrants and injustice and almost insurmountable odds.  Many know, as we know, that war is unfair.  But... hate it as we might, there are times when it must be fought.

I see my fellow teachers, struggling daily against the ever-growing burden of entitled, apathetic wealth and soul-starving poverty, of society's failure to take responsibility for its children and their families, of well-meaning politicians who - despite having never set foot on the other side of the "big desk" - feel that legislation and high-stakes testing and tying teacher salaries to statistical assessments can force reform and better education.  And yet, these teachers come to school every day - many never taking even a single sick day - because the children need them.

I see parents who desperately want the world to be fair for their children grit their teeth and clench their fists as daily, money and power trump hard work and honest effort.  What sort of message is that sending - that a man who kicks or throws a ball, that another who screams obscenities into a microphone, that a third who lies and cheats and cooks the books in a high-rise corner office makes more in a scant year than a mother working two jobs at minimum wage can make in a decade?  But... off to work they go, single parents and married parents, because not going sends an even less palatable message.

We humans are deeply, unchangeable flawed.  We are, each of us, in varying degrees selfish, judgmental, fearful creatures not much different (and certainly no better) than our primate cousins.  Our drives are their drives - whether chimp or banker, gorilla or entrepreneur.  First, stay alive.  Make a family.  Pass on part of yourself.  Next, protect the family.  Gather the best for yourself and yours.  Drive off others who would diminish what you have.  Finally, if you are in a place where you and yours have no worries about your survival, only then allow scavengers to take your leavings. 

It often means, on a human level, that we turn a blind eye to those in need.  We concoct reasons - they're lazy, they're here illegally, they're unworthy, unwashed.  At the very least, they're Not Like Us.  We managed to make a place for ourselves without help, after all - or our parents did.  We build this, didn't we?  We made it All By Ourselves.  And who would come soaring in to our aid, if we needed it?  Nobody, of course - and so we become the lack of change that proves the truth we so glibly spout.  After all, superheroes don't exist - and we don't need them, anyway.  Anyone worth his pulse can manage on his own two feet, right?

Except when they can't, through no fault of their own.

And that's why we need superheroes... or I do, at least.  They may not be real.  They may never be real... but they're needed, fictional or not.  Desperately needed by a world that needs someone with the strength and courage to fight what is so very wrong.

Life isn't fair.  But... shouldn't it be?